A few cobras have been found under an apartment complex somewhere in this enormous city, and it is The Big News Story each night now on the local stations. They give us constant updates on the whereabouts of the snakes, the efforts that have gone into locating the snakes, and the always-humerous reactions of the Outraged Public. One of these stations keeps redundantly referring to the cobras as "cobra snakes," which makes me both amused and irritated. Also, for dramatic effect, they like to periodically call them "deadly cobra snakes," like there are non-deadly varieties and we need to know which kind we're dealing with here.

This has been going on for several days. So, you'd think they'd be prepared, right? Not really. Last night, they showed the poor sap who has been designated as the Deadly Cobra Snake Wrangler, who was lecturing someone not to call him on his cell while he was under the building, because the phone might startle the snake(s) & they might bite him, and "the nearest anti-venom is three hours away, so if I get bitten, it'd be too late for me." Wouldn't you think they'd...oh, I don't know...maybe GET THE ANTI-VENOM HERE BEFORE ANYONE TRIES TO COME IN CONTACT WITH THE COBRAS?? If I were this guy, I wouldn't mess with the deadly cobra snakes until I had the anti-venom here, as well as a paramedic on site to give it to me.

And, common sense begs the question: if your cell phone ringing might make the snakes attack you...why wouldn't you TURN IT OFF? Or leave it with someone before you crawl under there? What important call is he expecting while he's on his stomach, under a building, looking for cobras? One from the snakes, maybe?

Sound of some irritating cell phone ring that isn't the sound of a phone ringing...perhaps the song "Macarena"...

Snake Wrangler: Crap! (fumbles with telephone) Hello?

Cobra Snake: Hey, dude, is that anti-venom here? 'Cuz I think you're going to need it! (sound of many snakes laughing)

Snake Wrangler: Lookit, cobra snakes! You're making me look like an ass on the news! Let me catch you! *pauses* And how did you get my phone number?

Cobra Snake: hangs up

Suddenly, Days of Our Lives is interrupted...

Lisa the TV News Lady: (looks very concerned) We have breaking news in the situation with the deadly cobra snakes that we have been relentlessly following for 4 days now. Let's go, live, to our reporter, Guy Smiley, who is at the scene. Guy...what's happened?

Guy Smiley: (looks equally concerned) Lisa, witnesses here report that the snake wrangler just received a phone call from one of the deadly cobra snakes. This is very serious, as the snake wrangler previously warned that a call on his cell phone might incite the snakes to attack him. The fact that the snakes would call him shows such a callous disregard for this man's safety, as the call they placed might cause a deadly reaction in the very snakes who made the phone call in the first place! Furthermore, Lisa, as we have been saying for four days now, the nearest anti-venom is three hours away, which is too far away to be of any use, whatsoever. Clearly, these are some very deadly cobra snakes we are dealing with here, who have now shown themselves to be reckless. You could say they are Reckless, Deadly Cobra Snakes.

Lisa: Guy, what is the reaction of the public to this latest development in the Deadly Cobra Snake Invasion of 2004?

Guy Smiley: I happen to have some people right here with me. I'll ask this man who is lifting his shirt and screaming "WOOO!" what his reaction is.....excuse me, sir, what is your reaction to the latest news that the cobra snakes are now placing telephone calls?

Man: I am outraged. These cobra snakes are deadly, and now I hear that they're reckless, too. I am just really, really outraged.

Guy Smiley: Are you concerned that the cobra snakes might telephone you, or your children?

Man: Yes! Very concerned. I have a phone, AND kids. You do the math! These cobra snakes are outraging & concerning me, big time.

Guy Smiley: Clearly, you are outraged.

Man: And don't forget concerned!

Guy Smiley: Yes, concerned and outraged. Thank you, sir.

Domino's Pizza Guy: (calling to the crowd) I have a delivery here for a D. C. Snake? Is there a Mr. or Mrs. Snake here?

Guy Smiley: (gravely) Back to you, Lisa.

~ April 20, 2004