I am a sucker for awards shows, and while the Oscars are my Mecca, the Emmys are a suitable replacement. So, with a bowl of M&M's and my trusty clicker at my side, I was ready and happy to settle in for what quickly proved to be The Embarrassing Nightmare That Was The Pre Show.

Embarrassing Nightmare Pre Show was hosted by Incredibly Annoying Woman Misguidedly Dressed As A Ballerina and That Guy From America's Unfunniest Home Videos Who Replaced Whatshisname. And Kermit the Frog, who was with Miss Piggy, who was Also Misguidedly Dressed As A Ballerina, which led to Unfunny Scripted Thing Where Pig Acts Jealous Of Incredibly Annoying Woman, like Miss Piggy has anything to worry about. She looked better in the ballerina thingy than the no-name woman did.

Unfunny Scripted Thing over with, the four of them proceed to enthusiastically take turns interviewing the stars as they arrived for the show, which consisted entirely of asking them, "Who are you wearing?" as though the aforementioned stars were showing up with designers riding them piggyback into the theatre. My M&M's were barely dulling the pain of the pre-show crapfest, and then Kermit commented on a woman's jewelry by saying, "You've got bling bling!" It was at this moment that Jim Henson began to silently whirl in his casket like a turbine, and I nearly broke my finger trying to change the channel. Fad-words like "bling bling" sound stupid no matter who is saying them, but they are words that were never meant to come out of the beloved, foam-padded mouth of Kermit the Frog. Woe betide whomever is responsible for such an atrocity. I hope Jim Henson haunts your sorry, betraying ass.

I tuned back in for the actual show, making a mental note to not even bother with the crapfest next year, in case the obviously drunken producers decide to threaten the home audience with Big Bird rapping with P Diddy - probably some kicky number called, "Yo, What U Wearin' Beeyotch?" P Diddy will be there because he'll be nominated for one of those damn guest performance Emmys that people get for a single appearance on a TV show. I am guessing he'll be on Will & Grace, and he will undoubtedly play himself. And what is up with those guest performance Emmys, anyway? I imagine the joy one has in winning an Emmy is tempered somewhat when a guy who worked on one lousy episode gets to take one home as well.

OK, anyway, actual show: why do people like me watch awards shows? Do we watch them so we can listen to 12 boring, monologuish minutes of the swollen Garry Shandling? (Booze or Botox? You decide!) Do we watch them so we can see fish-out-of-water TV stars make painfully humorless jokes that were written for them by painfully humorless people? Do we watch them for confetti guns? Sing it with me now: Noooooooo! Call us crazy, but we watch them to, you know, see people win awards.

Ironically named "awards shows," the awards are an afterthought. Instead of being the focus, they are something that is hurried through, like how dare these awards get in the way of our otherwise perfectly faboo television production! Who wants to see Meryl Streep accept her Emmy when we can see Garry standing interminably at a urinal with Ray Romano? Who wouldn't gladly shave a full 15 seconds off each winner's speech in order to see Comedy Gold like Chris Noth's bored, awkward and inappropriate marriage proposal to Sarah Jessica Parker, or George Lopez' incredibly ugly, racist joke that made respectable Hispanics all over the US roll their eyes and mutter, "Cierre su boca, Jorge, usted el fuckhead." Donald Trump, the unlucky target of the joke, didn't seem to care for it, either, and was trapped like an animal – like an animal with peculiar-looking fur – with a camera trained on his face. Poor Donald. Poor respectable Hispanics. While he is at it, I hope Jim Henson haunts George Lopez' dim-witted, stereotypical ass.

Drunken awards show producers: please let the winners have more than 10 seconds to accept their awards. Please do not turn the music on somebody who is at the height of their joy, who has likely just experienced one of their life-defining moments, who has just had their career choice brilliantly affirmed to them, so that we may stare blankly at Billy Crystal giving Garry crap for being a dull host. Correct though Billy may be, we'd still rather hear the rest of Elaine Stritch's speech. (Besides, she was sure as hell more entertaining than George Lopez.) Please remember that this is the Emmys, not the Nick & Jessica Variety Hour. Shape up, or Jim Henson may be paying you a visit.

~ September 25, 2004