8 Reasons You Should Buy A Club Kapooku Magnet

1.) Some people believe that magnets have healing abilities. The handy size of the Club Kapooku magnet makes it easy to place on any sick part of your body, and you know you have at least one. Feel the sickness literally being sucked right out of you. Once your magnet is full of your gross sicknesses, simply throw it away and use a new one. If you buy a Club Kapooku magnet you might very well save your own life.

2.) How many times have you been somewhere and thought to yourself, or shouted out loud, "Damn! I really need a magnet right now! If only they weren't so hard to carry around!" You never need to experience this frustration again. The Club Kapooku magnet is fully portable. It will fit easily into your pocket, where it will be readily available for any magnet-related emergencies you may encounter.

3.) We all know how hard it is to keep track of important dates and other reminders. Your Club Kapooku magnet will affix any notes you write and need to keep track of to ANY SURFACE!* This magnet is your friend - a friend who does not require a refrigerator to work properly, unlike your other friends. Use the CK magnet in your car, on your desk, on your shirt - wherever you need it. Let's say you need to remember your wedding anniversary...well, write it down and put it in a prominent place with your Club Kapooku magnet, and you won't forget! The Club Kapooku magnet could possibly save your marriage.
* may require glue in some instances

4.) This magnet is not a wussy. This magnet fears no one. The Club Kapooku magnet will help you in a bar fight. It will defend you from muggers. Always getting your ass kicked because you own useless little fraidycat magnets? The Club Kapooku magnet is scientifically proven to be 97% more badass than other magnets.

5.) Have you ever been on a date, or at a business lunch, and experienced an awkward lull in the conversation? No more. Now, when no one has anything left to say, hold up your Club Kapooku magnet, and say, "I compel you to look at my magnet. This is suitable for discussion." People will stare at you in awe, and I don't mean that in a bad way! When you have a Club Kapooku magnet, you will always have something to talk about. It is endlessly fascinating, as you will be once you own it. The Club Kapooku magnet will help you fall in love, and / or advance in your career, and will make you an all-around more interesting person.

6.) The Club Kapooku magnet will keep your secrets. You can tell it anything, and it will never betray you. The Club Kapooku magnet will not sleep with your significant other or steal your credit cards. You will never be called by the producers of the Jerry Springer Show who tell you that someone you know has some devastating news to reveal to you on the show and you have to fly to Chicago, and then you walk out on stage and find your Club Kapooku magnet is standing there, naked, and it tells you that it wants to be a stripper and there's nothing you can do to stop it. This magnet is 100% ethically responsible. Money-back guarantee.

7.) The Club Kapooku magnet might cure baldness, help you lose weight, assist you with quitting smoking, whiten your teeth, and teach you a marketable skill, like driving an 18-wheeler. You can make wishes on it and it could very well fulfill all your heart's desires and obey your every command. Although I have no proof that it will, I also have no proof that it won't. The Club Kapooku magnet potentially possesses amazing, unlimited magical powers.

8.) The Club Kapooku magnet will not shed, and arrives at your home already housebroken, with its first round of shots. The Club Kapooku magnet will NOT soil your carpets or give you rabies, and it is completely hypoallergenic.

Buy your Club Kapooku magnet today! It only costs $2, which is a mere .25 cents per useful feature - a bargain, considering you'll end up boring, diseased, and alone if you don't get one.

~ August 24, 2004