So, you’re not in Greece this year, but you’ve set your sights on the Games of 2008, wherever they may be. Good for you.

Perhaps you have been watching the past few days, and you’ve witnessed champions such as Michael Phelps winning the gold. I bet you’ve even pictured yourself up there on that platform, your victory heavy around your neck; the Stars ‘n Stripes proudly hanging before you and the sorry losers you’ve crushed in defeat; the Star-Spangled Banner playing over the sound system.

Allow me to offer you some friendly advice.

You have roughly four years between today and your Moment of Glory, so please, for God’s sweet sake, learn the freaking words to our National Anthem.

Phelps may be an awesome swimmer, but I have to wonder if he really thought he’d win anything since he has shown himself to be completely unprepared for the awards ceremony. When he won his first gold, he pathetically murmured what he kinda thought might possibly be some of the words to the Star-Spangled Banner, or a song sort-of like it that he heard one time. Fortunately, someone got to him and told him to knock it off, because gold medal #s 2, 3, and 4 have all been, mercifully, murmur-free.

But it’s not just him. Most of the gold medalists have done it. They win, they get their medal, they stand there and mouth the following...

Oh, say can you see
By the maw surly bight
Faht mo roudly see gail
My dee gi gi beef eating
And the rocket’s red mare
The bombs mursting bim nare
Bave poof do nah nah
Mmmm me mo mo me mo me
My me mo mo meee mah
Bunny foo foo hopping through the forest
Oh say does that saar spandled banner get paaaave
Er de kand of dupree
And the home of the braaaaaaave!

They know the first line. They know a few pieces of some words in the middle. And they know the end. Insipiring.

Don’t misunderstand; I don’t know all of the words to the Anthem, either (although I seem to know more of them than the Olympians do). But I also don’t expect the entire world to watch me prove I don’t really know what the hell it is that I’m singing in what is otherwise my proudest moment. In other words, if I were going to the Olympics, I might take a few moments of my time to try and learn the words to the song I sure as hell hope I’ll be hearing a whole lot of while I’m there.

If I planned to try and mouth along with the music, that is. Which I wouldn’t. Frankly, the whole mouthing of the words thing, whether the words are right or not, looks stupid. Stupider if you don’t have a passing familiarity with the words you’re faking, but stupid nonetheless, even when correct. I’d much rather see the medalists stand there, proud and still and smiling than see them mumbling their way through the ceremony, trying to impress everyone that they know six and a half words of the National Anthem.

Look at the other medalists. I don’t see them making fools of themselves by mangling their Anthems the way the Americans blithely do. All of them seem to know what they’re doing. Since I don’t want to point fingers at any real life Olympians – aside from Michael Phelps, obviously – let’s consider some hypothetical Olympians, like Prtzmyslaw, Ollaluwa and Zulfia; they probably managed to learn the lyrics to their Anthems, even though they trained just as long and just as hard as the Americans have. They showed their respect for their homelands by either knowing precisely what they were singing, or by having the good sense to keep their mouths still. People look at American Olympians fumbling happily over the words, and see that we just don’t care. It means nothing to us to show our ignorance. Land of the free, home of the brave, nation of the lyrically indifferent.

So, I ask you: If you can kick Ingmar’s ass in Badminton, don’t you think you can learn the words to a song? Not even a whole song – just the first verse. Can you do it? Sure you can. America believes in you and your ability to memorize eight lines of a song, future Olympians!

We turn to you, potential Olympic Gold Medalists of 2008: stop making us look like morons. Perilous fight. Ramparts. Gallantly streaming. Rocket’s red glare. Learn them, love them, mouth them correctly at your awards ceremony. Godspeed.

~ August 19, 2004